Movin' On Up!

Hey there internet community!!! How in GOD'S name are you? Haven't talked to you in a minute! Things have been moving a mile a minute for me these days (and not just with regards to my bowels even though that's also true). My tenure as resident "most attractive man of Little Armenia" has come to a sobering end as I have moved on to my new home in Highland Park. So I've traded my Armenian neighbors for Mexicans. Their skin color is comparable but they drive way slower and have a much less visible mafia presence (is that insanely racist? Haha probably). I have made the leap to shack up with our beloved David Osenbach. For those readers who aren't familiar with this specimen, just Wikipedia "Adonis" and imagine glasses on that thing and a much more nuanced and sophisticated palate for wine. SO far it's been a pretty fly time. The neighborhood is two tons of fun (not unlike my sagging gut which is housing a 9lb mass of local taco truck meat at any given moment). I think the notion of the "Freshman Fifteen" is really ringing true again as me and the D-man are on a stampeding campaign to sample every restaurant in a 5 mile radius of our new place. Which, while a fun and delicious experience, is becoming rather taxing on my belt. Putting that thing on every day is no longer a "cinch" (get it?).

So anyhow, much of my time is dedicated to fixing up the new house. But ok, to get totally real on you, MOST of my time is dedicated to sitting on the couch watching Roseanne saying "there's so much that needs to be done. We should make a list of things. Eh, later...oh, Darlene. They give her the best lines. Oh are you getting up? Can you refill my wine glass? Oh, really? Then let's open up a new one..." etc. We HAVE made some significant progress though. I mean, not to brag, but we now have not only a TV and a couch but ALSO a fridge (be jealous. Just do it). I'll be sure to update this blog as the rest of the place comes together.

However this weekend we are taking a little break from furnishing a home as we are heading to New York! I'm embarrassed to say that I've actually never been to New York. I'm a poor, POOR representation of my "white suburban kid" demographic, I know. But I'm super stoked. However, there is one MINOR hitch. There is this really pesky hurricane just slithering it's way up the coast towards the city RIGHT when we're slated to arrive. So, that's fab. All I keep imagining is that footage of Al Roker trying to keep his footing while a team of people try to steady him during that gnarly hurricane some years ago. Although I know, I know, that's not gonna be me. Because obviously I'd dress way better. Although to be totally honest I'm more concerned with having a rocky flight than anything else. Fear of flying is something I always forget I have until I'm physically on a plane, which is great. So, like clockwork it shakes out like this: "Alright, it's time to board. Yay! San Francisco here I come...oh, this seat is comfy. Wait, why am I sweating and panting like Tony Soprano over here? How come my asshole is clenched shut like a steel trap? Damnit that's right!!!! Flying scares the bejesus out of me!!! WHAT WAS THAT NOISE!? Oh dear lord the engine just blew I knew it!". You get the picture. So, luckily I had the foresight this time to call up my good friend, let's call her Daisy (you know who you are), to hook a punk up with an ass-load of Xanax. My goal is to coat all the anxiety of the flight in that warm, comforting cotton-ball opiate glaze that kicks in just after take-off! So, I'm all set! I may not be able to lift any of my luggage once I arrive because I'll be so doped out but que sera, right?

So, regardless of whatever torrential curve-balls mother nature can hurl at us, I'm happy as a damn clam about this trip. We have plans up the yang for this one. David's got an Excel spreadsheet going like we may never see the light of day again. We're going to see the Lion King which I'm super excited about. I haven't seen live theater in the better part of a decade (I think that last time was a stage production of the Wizard of Oz with my grandmother, I'm not even kidding). Hopefully I can put aside my feelings for Julie Taymor for a night. Although I may need to make some kind of vigilante statement like covering a 'Titus' DVD in poo and throw it on stage while on fire. We'll see, I'll play it by ear. We're also checking out this nutty looking restaurant called WD50 where they do things like fill a condom with fish-scented air and pop it at your table before your entree. Or something. I don't quite know what they do there but it sounded wild. And of course we're going to museums, and seeing ground zero etc. etc. whatever. And because we're real, we're staying in Park Slope at a Super 8. No frills, folks! Well, except the ones on that frisky lingerie that I have saved for a rainy day (which looks to be abounding back east). Regardless of how the trip goes, though, I'll be combining some of my all time favorite things: having an excuse to eat like a pig, drink like a fish that doesn't have to drive anywhere, NOT be at work, and sleep on a bed with caked on semen from hundreds of strangers (kidding..........).

So I will be sure to keep all y'all posted about the rousing adventures of this trip! Unless I'm swept into the ocean by a stiff wind, which, you know, probs won't happen! I'll write you all postcards (not really, get over it)! Be well, urrybody!