I Left My Liver in San Francisco

Well kids, you can stop with the frantic texts and emails...yes, I'm back in town. For those of you not in the illustrious bubble that is my friend base, I just got back from a little getaway to San Francisco this weekend with my bestie (yes, I'm a 14 year old girl and use the word "bestie"). Nothing like a little "why not?" road trip in the middle of April to unwind, eh?! As a preface, let me just say that it never ceases to crack me up how all of my plans on a given vacation seem to be invariably thwarted by inordinate drinking (let's not forget how I almost missed my plane back from Texas because I was drunk in the airport Chili's reading my horoscope). Luckily, unlike LA, San Francisco is much more accommodating place for day drinking vis a vis their ample public transportation. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

As like any other road trip, of course it took us a solid 3 hours to get out of town. Naturally, we ONLY stalled to stock up on bare essentials for the trip. I mean, if getting In N Out at the Glendale Americana mall isn't an integral step in preparing for a vacation then I don't know what is!!! Also, a trip to BevMo to stock up on beer for the weekend never hurt anybody, right? I also have to laugh at how much the energy level in the car waned throughout the trip. Hour 1: It's sunny, it's warm, we're rocking our asses out to the Clueless soundtrack and some nostalgic, "Jaged Little Pill" era Alanis...it's all good! Hour 7: "Oh, is this Beach House record just on repeat? Nevermind, you're asleep" ***PS I would just like to point out that I would never actually listen to Beach House, it was just to illustrate a point*** But anyway, after a generally enjoyable car trip, we were there!

We were staying with my friend's friend Jimmy who lives in the inner Sunset district I guess? Whatever it was it was a cool little spot! Close enough to the "heart" of the city but still having that less chaotic, "tucked away" quality to it. Plus there was Pho and Ramen up the yang so I was happy about that! After settling in and diving into a few beers, my friend and I were off to the Mission (because if you can't be trendy while you're visiting from out of town, why go at all???). Well, at least we THOUGHT we were off to the Mission...after sprinting our asses off the metro station and hopping on a train, we came to the sobering realization that we were going the wrong way and ended up at the beach. MORONS! But it turned out to be a blessing in disguise because we just bought more beers and tripped along the water yakin' it up like old chums. My friend was collecting sand dollars like it was going out of style (which for all I know it is). I was trying to walk a straight line without falling over. It was real bitchin' time all around.

The next day, after bickering like like an old bitter couple about where to eat, we stuffed our face with Vermicelli and were on our way out (yes, in the right direction this time). We started off in the Castro (you know, because we're queers) and made our way to the Mission. Because bars are for LOSERS, we just picked up some beers at the liquor store and drank it up on the street on the way there. I love tricking myself into thinking that drinking beer out of a bag in public is totally punk and not just tacky. Of course this gaggle of geriatric women had to comment "oh my god they're drinking alcohol!". Get over it, woman! We're on vacay! We happened upon Dolores Park: fun, I guess, although we spent most of the time tucked away so we could finish our beers in peace! After hanging out for a spell we traversed the mission: OK, i don't want to offend anyone in San Francisco, but the Mission is really not that cool! It feels about 5 years behind in every way. OOOOOOH, 1 vintage emporium and people selling carpets on the streets! EDGYYYY! It kind of reminded me of the not-so-cool parts of downtown LA. But we pressed on: stopped and got more beer, peed in a church, listened to music on our phones blah blah blah. So we get to our destination which was some queer soul party thing. It sounded awesome but apparently the whole rest of the city thought so too because that line to get in was O.U.T.R.A.G.E.O.U.S!!! We waited for about an hour before hearing that the place was at capacity so we high-tailed it outta there (I think to get more beer). The rest of the afternoon was kind of a blur, but I think it ended with us eating Taco Bell so I don't know how favorable it could have been prior to.

So, after a brief nap, it was time to wake up and start drinking again (duh! I ain't drivin' nowhere). This time we were off to actually spend time in the Castro. We ended up at some run of the mill queer bar (again with a line to get in! Ugh!). It was "meh". Very West Hollywood'ed out (which is fine but I've seen it before). We had a good time though. Someone spilled a drink on a bitchy queen who just kept saying "ARE YOU KIDDING ME???!" for the better part of an hour. We even tried to round out the night at some after hours joint but, I'm sorry, they were asking for a $20 COVER!!! Unless Jon Hamm (or someone else hot) is gonna feed me chocolate cake with gold flakes once we're inside I ain't paying that kinda cash! So we made it back to the house, somehow I lost $30 in cash on the way home which is ironic, and that was that!

Then there was Sunday. From the moment my friend and I woke up we were ZOMBIES! I think the copious drinking was smacking us in the face, finally. We went and got noodles after about 2 hours of deliberating on whether or not to wake up at 11:30am. I think we spoke MAYBE 3 words to each other after the course of that meal. It was not the most lucid moment of my life. And there we were, back in Dolores park. It was a madhouse! I kept neglecting to remember it was Easter...so we hung out there for a bit and people watched but damn...we were still OUT OF IT. So of course, like 2 responsible adults who are in-tune and conscientiousness about our wellness, we stopped off for a drink. Hot damn that beer made me feel better. And as if that wasn't enough, we hit one last bar in the Castro on our way out. However one more beer turned into some foggy, sloppy experience involving a kiss with a stranger and some drama and betrayal yadda yadda yadda. And to compound that drama, I lost my friend and my phone died, so that train ride of shame back to my car charger was just a lovely little icing on the cake. Anyway, in an attempt to avoid the details, I'll just say that I eventually found my friend and we were on our way home! Phewwwwww! The car ride back was brutal, though. I was so deliriously tired I was literally stepping on my brakes in the middle of the freeway to stop for the poor helpless animals that I was hallucinating were crossing the street. Yikes. Thank god I had the good sense to pull off the road and nap for a bit! And the best part is: we weren't even killed! Yay!

So there you have it...Brett and Carlos do San Fran (a la "Debbie Does Dallas" I guess) and this is what happens. Let's see what we cook up when we finally plan our road trip to VEGAS! I'm apologizing to my body in advance right now...

Internet Sensation or Whatever

So, this silly little parody that my friends and I whipped up, The Hipster Games, is BLOWING up on the internet. It's been online about a week and it's already been featured in the Huffington Post, New York Magazine, Portlandia's Facebook page, and now TIME MAGAZINE!!! No no, your eyes do not deceive you, I did say TIME MAGAZINE. Who knew?? I guess it does make sense: everyone likes making fun of hipsters, and NO ONE can seem to shut up about the Hunger Games so this little baby snuck in at the perfect time! I just hope we can create a worthy follow up (a Kony 2012 spoof, perhaps?). So, fingers crossed that something good comes out of this for me, vocationally. And of course, if you haven't watched it please be my guest!

Here is a link to the Time Magazine post:

http://newsfeed.time.com/2012/04/07/the-hipster-games-we-liked-this-hunger-games-parody-before-it-was-cool/

Snack Attack!

I have to laugh at what passes for "healthy" in America nowadays. Not that I'm an educated nutritionist by any stretch of the imagination, but I just have to take a step back and look what average Americans are consuming on a daily basis. The other day I was at work and, to slake my sweet-tooth I was nursing that afternoon, I tore open a FiberOne bar. Ok, so clearly General Mills is trying to market this thing as a healthy snack. As advertised on the box, it contains "35% of your daily value of fiber! 9 grams of fiber per serving!". First of all, yes, we get it, this thing's got fiber. But, just for fun (because I'm all about fun), let's acknowledge the fact that this thing is DROWNING IN CHOCOLATE! And I'm sorry, but I get that granola is healthy in theory, but I don't think that a handful of oats that have been roasted in a bucket of oil and bound together by dried, evaporated cane juice is exactly the most natural/nutritious snack. It also doesn't help that something about the size/ingredients in those things make you want to eat like 17 in one sitting. Anyway, I think I had two of those bad boys and was sugared out the rest of that afternoon, big surprise.

So after that I just started paying closer attention to other "healthy" snacks. The people I work for are are very "west side healthy", which I'm pretty sure is a concept I just made up. They love the notion of health food from their shaded, upper-class west side bubble. They bought these snacks for the office the other day that cracked me up. Basically it was a bag of these little nut clusters that were stuck together by this sugary, mollassesy substance. I had them and they were certainly TASTY, but holy smokes I checked the label and those things are LOUSY with sugar. However I love the packaging: The bag had some groovy swirly colorful logo with all these lame buzz words: "Organic (ok, fine)! Gluten Free! Wheat Free!". Ummm I mean yeah no kidding, it's a hunk of walnuts deluged in sugar, last I checked that was generally a wheat/gluten free snack. You could also melt some brie over a pound of salami and dip it in butter and that would also be wheat/gluten free but that doesn't mean it's good for you. But you know, why be healthy when you can be trendy!

And even outside the arena of "faux health food", it's just alarming to look at mass produced snack foods in general! Dovetailing with my previous post about living on a budget, I have DEFINITELY had to compromise my eating habits to live within my means the past 30 days (by the way you guys, you should have seen my face when I checked my account to see that my paycheck had finally cleared: think the photo of Ted Bundy in the courtroom after his sentence was declared. But like, happy).

But yes, having to eat 3 bags of Goldfish crackers before you leave work to "fill up" for the ride home is pretty dark. PS on the subject of Goldfish, I love the "made with real cheese" tag on the bag: as if someone is in the market saying to themselves "Oh I don't know, I don't want to fill up on crackers...oh it's made with real cheese! I'll buy 5!" It does seem a bit counter-intuitive though to think that eating well would be an especially expensive feat. But I think the key to eating well is eating simply. Have an orange, a handful of almonds, some grains or rice, drink some juice etc. I don't think you have to spend $19 on vegan nachos in Venice or Silverlake to take care of yourself. Just as long as I look at the ingredients on something and it isn't pages long I think it's ok. And I'm always skeptical about things with "natural flavors"...what the hell does that actually mean?

Anyway, my month of poverty is now done so i can go back to my usual little routine. But you live and you learn, eh guys?

It's From Hunger

The Hunger Games Trailer 3 - The Hipster Games - watch more funny videos

Hey folks! So I have a fresh one for you today: a new video from Chris G's team. Co-written by yours truly. It's this totally obscure parody of the Hunger Games entitled "The Hipster Games" (pretty self-explanatory). Check it out and let me know what you think!