Movin' On Up!

Hey there internet community!!! How in GOD'S name are you? Haven't talked to you in a minute! Things have been moving a mile a minute for me these days (and not just with regards to my bowels even though that's also true). My tenure as resident "most attractive man of Little Armenia" has come to a sobering end as I have moved on to my new home in Highland Park. So I've traded my Armenian neighbors for Mexicans. Their skin color is comparable but they drive way slower and have a much less visible mafia presence (is that insanely racist? Haha probably). I have made the leap to shack up with our beloved David Osenbach. For those readers who aren't familiar with this specimen, just Wikipedia "Adonis" and imagine glasses on that thing and a much more nuanced and sophisticated palate for wine. SO far it's been a pretty fly time. The neighborhood is two tons of fun (not unlike my sagging gut which is housing a 9lb mass of local taco truck meat at any given moment). I think the notion of the "Freshman Fifteen" is really ringing true again as me and the D-man are on a stampeding campaign to sample every restaurant in a 5 mile radius of our new place. Which, while a fun and delicious experience, is becoming rather taxing on my belt. Putting that thing on every day is no longer a "cinch" (get it?).

So anyhow, much of my time is dedicated to fixing up the new house. But ok, to get totally real on you, MOST of my time is dedicated to sitting on the couch watching Roseanne saying "there's so much that needs to be done. We should make a list of things. Eh, later...oh, Darlene. They give her the best lines. Oh are you getting up? Can you refill my wine glass? Oh, really? Then let's open up a new one..." etc. We HAVE made some significant progress though. I mean, not to brag, but we now have not only a TV and a couch but ALSO a fridge (be jealous. Just do it). I'll be sure to update this blog as the rest of the place comes together.

However this weekend we are taking a little break from furnishing a home as we are heading to New York! I'm embarrassed to say that I've actually never been to New York. I'm a poor, POOR representation of my "white suburban kid" demographic, I know. But I'm super stoked. However, there is one MINOR hitch. There is this really pesky hurricane just slithering it's way up the coast towards the city RIGHT when we're slated to arrive. So, that's fab. All I keep imagining is that footage of Al Roker trying to keep his footing while a team of people try to steady him during that gnarly hurricane some years ago. Although I know, I know, that's not gonna be me. Because obviously I'd dress way better. Although to be totally honest I'm more concerned with having a rocky flight than anything else. Fear of flying is something I always forget I have until I'm physically on a plane, which is great. So, like clockwork it shakes out like this: "Alright, it's time to board. Yay! San Francisco here I come...oh, this seat is comfy. Wait, why am I sweating and panting like Tony Soprano over here? How come my asshole is clenched shut like a steel trap? Damnit that's right!!!! Flying scares the bejesus out of me!!! WHAT WAS THAT NOISE!? Oh dear lord the engine just blew I knew it!". You get the picture. So, luckily I had the foresight this time to call up my good friend, let's call her Daisy (you know who you are), to hook a punk up with an ass-load of Xanax. My goal is to coat all the anxiety of the flight in that warm, comforting cotton-ball opiate glaze that kicks in just after take-off! So, I'm all set! I may not be able to lift any of my luggage once I arrive because I'll be so doped out but que sera, right?

So, regardless of whatever torrential curve-balls mother nature can hurl at us, I'm happy as a damn clam about this trip. We have plans up the yang for this one. David's got an Excel spreadsheet going like we may never see the light of day again. We're going to see the Lion King which I'm super excited about. I haven't seen live theater in the better part of a decade (I think that last time was a stage production of the Wizard of Oz with my grandmother, I'm not even kidding). Hopefully I can put aside my feelings for Julie Taymor for a night. Although I may need to make some kind of vigilante statement like covering a 'Titus' DVD in poo and throw it on stage while on fire. We'll see, I'll play it by ear. We're also checking out this nutty looking restaurant called WD50 where they do things like fill a condom with fish-scented air and pop it at your table before your entree. Or something. I don't quite know what they do there but it sounded wild. And of course we're going to museums, and seeing ground zero etc. etc. whatever. And because we're real, we're staying in Park Slope at a Super 8. No frills, folks! Well, except the ones on that frisky lingerie that I have saved for a rainy day (which looks to be abounding back east). Regardless of how the trip goes, though, I'll be combining some of my all time favorite things: having an excuse to eat like a pig, drink like a fish that doesn't have to drive anywhere, NOT be at work, and sleep on a bed with caked on semen from hundreds of strangers (kidding..........).

So I will be sure to keep all y'all posted about the rousing adventures of this trip! Unless I'm swept into the ocean by a stiff wind, which, you know, probs won't happen! I'll write you all postcards (not really, get over it)! Be well, urrybody!

Twenty-High-Five

**Disclaimer: This should have been posted nearly a month ago when, you know, my birthday actually happened. Pardon the delay**

It's funny, I just turned yet another year older and I really don't feel any different. Actually, that's not true. I feel bloated and hungover but that's a whole different kettle of sweaty, red-faced fish. This Labor day weekend I celebrated my 25th birthday! Or, as I've been saying, I gave life a twenty(-high)-five. I must say, the stars really kind of aligned to give way to a rather perfect time. The fact that my birthday fell on a Friday before a 3-day weekend was pretty boss already. But on top of that, I hopped in my car that morning and my commute to work suddenly shot down from nearly 2 hours to 40 minutes which basically made me want to pour a glass of cold water over my face and do the Charleston across the 110 (I didn't, though because the Charleston is totally over). Then I get to work and I got a flurry of lovely little Birthday greetings. Most of which were a terse "Happy Birthday" but all that activity simulated the feeling of being popular so I was down like Chinatown. Since I had arranged a half day, I was able to tear outta there at noon and head on home! Me and David decided to spend the day by going to Huntington Gardens in Pasadena. Holy smokes, that place is CARRAZZZZYYY. That succulent garden looked like some gloriously desaturated Seussian dreamworld! Thank god I was able to keep it totally real in my t shirt with a hotel logo and my shorts and long socks and a Nikon camera, in no way resembling a pathetic tourist of course. That place just had EVERYTHING: succulents, lilly ponds, rose gardens, Japanese gardens, Chinese gardens you name it! The only hitch was that this joint closes at 5pm on weekdays. Fucking 5pm?? I'm sure the clientele skews a bit on the geriatric side of the spectrum but come ON! Some people, like, work during the day. But as abbreviated as our trip may have been, it was still pretty magical (albeit hot...it was seriously fucking hot). We also got balls of rice krispies treats with rainbow sprinkles in them which were rather heavenly.

Then by the time we got home all the pollen and vitamin D got the better of me so I collapsed into a 45 minute nap. Well, 45 minutes by way of 2 hours. When I woke up mr. Osenbach put the finishing touches on my cake! Holy Fuck that thing was a work of art. Being the 87 year old woman I am, I love Fig Newtons...SO, I was presented with a brown sugar brown butter fig newton CAKE with bourbon butter cream frosting. It was like a pile of decadence, dipped in happy, fortified with yes and baked in OMFG. So once that was boxed up, we were off to the restaurant for the more formal dinner setting with only my CLOSEST friends. That exclusive gauntlet of dignitaries and luminaries that I call my besties. We went to Maximiliano, which is a bomb-ass Italian joint in my new hood. It was a blast! Although we were sat at the "communal table" int he middle which was this L-shaped banquet table number. This proved to be a smidge awkward because I was at the center but I was situated in between the two halves of the table so I felt like I was entertaining questions at a press release. Dinner was fabulous, per usual, and then it was off to Verdugo Bar for some more unruly fun.

I was almost 40 minutes late to my own birthday party which was a total statement and not at all tacky/rude on my part. There was a good turn out though! I got to shoot the shit with all sorts of people and get drunker and drunker and drunker as the night went on. Birthday parties are always kind of weird because even though they're obviously totally fun, I get so jacked up on adrenaline at the notion that 5+ people are stoked that I was born and then I drench that sensation in alcohol so I turn into a jittery mess come midnight! And of course it's a meeting of different circles of friends so I have to make the rounds and ensure every party is enjoying themselves and not regretting they came. I've also noticed that whatever notion of time I may have completely gets thrown out the window on Birthdays. Realistically I was at the bar for a good 3 hours but if you had said "dude, you showed up for 40 minutes and then peaced it" I would have totally believed you. So I got to see lots of lovely people and have a real bitchin time. The taco truck we stopped by on the way home was I'm sure delicious but my bowels the next day were, ummm, not.

Now, if you thought the weekend excitement was over for me then you are just sorely mistaken. The rest of the weekend was dedicated to FYF! So first off I gotta say: I DO NOT LIKE MUSIC FESTIVALS. The music is fine of course but it's as if every thing I hate is thrown into one bubbling stew of Brett-Bummer. Crowds? Hate 'em. Heat? Hate it. White chicks in headbands and moccasins? Hate 'em. Etc. I mostly ended up going because everyone else seemed to be going and I just pretended it was a special birthday festival for me :) The whole thing turned out to be pretty alright though. I think my favorite part was the notion that I could hop on the train and be there in 10 minutes.The only thing that seriously chapped my ass was that the will-call line was an hour long. I could hear the faint jangly murmurs of the Pains of Being Pure at Heart echoing from the across the street as I stood in a 3 mile line overhearing rich white kids in their 20s pour over Burning Man this year. But once I was in it was pretty swell. And after last year's expired ID-no drinking fiasco, I was very glad to be able to enjoy my $8 Bud Light.

Aaaaaanyway, so my recent birthday weekend ultimately went off without a hitch! And now I embark on a new year of being alive. Let's hope this one continues to be something that doesn't suck!

I Left My Liver in San Francisco

Well kids, you can stop with the frantic texts and emails...yes, I'm back in town. For those of you not in the illustrious bubble that is my friend base, I just got back from a little getaway to San Francisco this weekend with my bestie (yes, I'm a 14 year old girl and use the word "bestie"). Nothing like a little "why not?" road trip in the middle of April to unwind, eh?! As a preface, let me just say that it never ceases to crack me up how all of my plans on a given vacation seem to be invariably thwarted by inordinate drinking (let's not forget how I almost missed my plane back from Texas because I was drunk in the airport Chili's reading my horoscope). Luckily, unlike LA, San Francisco is much more accommodating place for day drinking vis a vis their ample public transportation. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

As like any other road trip, of course it took us a solid 3 hours to get out of town. Naturally, we ONLY stalled to stock up on bare essentials for the trip. I mean, if getting In N Out at the Glendale Americana mall isn't an integral step in preparing for a vacation then I don't know what is!!! Also, a trip to BevMo to stock up on beer for the weekend never hurt anybody, right? I also have to laugh at how much the energy level in the car waned throughout the trip. Hour 1: It's sunny, it's warm, we're rocking our asses out to the Clueless soundtrack and some nostalgic, "Jaged Little Pill" era Alanis...it's all good! Hour 7: "Oh, is this Beach House record just on repeat? Nevermind, you're asleep" ***PS I would just like to point out that I would never actually listen to Beach House, it was just to illustrate a point*** But anyway, after a generally enjoyable car trip, we were there!

We were staying with my friend's friend Jimmy who lives in the inner Sunset district I guess? Whatever it was it was a cool little spot! Close enough to the "heart" of the city but still having that less chaotic, "tucked away" quality to it. Plus there was Pho and Ramen up the yang so I was happy about that! After settling in and diving into a few beers, my friend and I were off to the Mission (because if you can't be trendy while you're visiting from out of town, why go at all???). Well, at least we THOUGHT we were off to the Mission...after sprinting our asses off the metro station and hopping on a train, we came to the sobering realization that we were going the wrong way and ended up at the beach. MORONS! But it turned out to be a blessing in disguise because we just bought more beers and tripped along the water yakin' it up like old chums. My friend was collecting sand dollars like it was going out of style (which for all I know it is). I was trying to walk a straight line without falling over. It was real bitchin' time all around.

The next day, after bickering like like an old bitter couple about where to eat, we stuffed our face with Vermicelli and were on our way out (yes, in the right direction this time). We started off in the Castro (you know, because we're queers) and made our way to the Mission. Because bars are for LOSERS, we just picked up some beers at the liquor store and drank it up on the street on the way there. I love tricking myself into thinking that drinking beer out of a bag in public is totally punk and not just tacky. Of course this gaggle of geriatric women had to comment "oh my god they're drinking alcohol!". Get over it, woman! We're on vacay! We happened upon Dolores Park: fun, I guess, although we spent most of the time tucked away so we could finish our beers in peace! After hanging out for a spell we traversed the mission: OK, i don't want to offend anyone in San Francisco, but the Mission is really not that cool! It feels about 5 years behind in every way. OOOOOOH, 1 vintage emporium and people selling carpets on the streets! EDGYYYY! It kind of reminded me of the not-so-cool parts of downtown LA. But we pressed on: stopped and got more beer, peed in a church, listened to music on our phones blah blah blah. So we get to our destination which was some queer soul party thing. It sounded awesome but apparently the whole rest of the city thought so too because that line to get in was O.U.T.R.A.G.E.O.U.S!!! We waited for about an hour before hearing that the place was at capacity so we high-tailed it outta there (I think to get more beer). The rest of the afternoon was kind of a blur, but I think it ended with us eating Taco Bell so I don't know how favorable it could have been prior to.

So, after a brief nap, it was time to wake up and start drinking again (duh! I ain't drivin' nowhere). This time we were off to actually spend time in the Castro. We ended up at some run of the mill queer bar (again with a line to get in! Ugh!). It was "meh". Very West Hollywood'ed out (which is fine but I've seen it before). We had a good time though. Someone spilled a drink on a bitchy queen who just kept saying "ARE YOU KIDDING ME???!" for the better part of an hour. We even tried to round out the night at some after hours joint but, I'm sorry, they were asking for a $20 COVER!!! Unless Jon Hamm (or someone else hot) is gonna feed me chocolate cake with gold flakes once we're inside I ain't paying that kinda cash! So we made it back to the house, somehow I lost $30 in cash on the way home which is ironic, and that was that!

Then there was Sunday. From the moment my friend and I woke up we were ZOMBIES! I think the copious drinking was smacking us in the face, finally. We went and got noodles after about 2 hours of deliberating on whether or not to wake up at 11:30am. I think we spoke MAYBE 3 words to each other after the course of that meal. It was not the most lucid moment of my life. And there we were, back in Dolores park. It was a madhouse! I kept neglecting to remember it was Easter...so we hung out there for a bit and people watched but damn...we were still OUT OF IT. So of course, like 2 responsible adults who are in-tune and conscientiousness about our wellness, we stopped off for a drink. Hot damn that beer made me feel better. And as if that wasn't enough, we hit one last bar in the Castro on our way out. However one more beer turned into some foggy, sloppy experience involving a kiss with a stranger and some drama and betrayal yadda yadda yadda. And to compound that drama, I lost my friend and my phone died, so that train ride of shame back to my car charger was just a lovely little icing on the cake. Anyway, in an attempt to avoid the details, I'll just say that I eventually found my friend and we were on our way home! Phewwwwww! The car ride back was brutal, though. I was so deliriously tired I was literally stepping on my brakes in the middle of the freeway to stop for the poor helpless animals that I was hallucinating were crossing the street. Yikes. Thank god I had the good sense to pull off the road and nap for a bit! And the best part is: we weren't even killed! Yay!

So there you have it...Brett and Carlos do San Fran (a la "Debbie Does Dallas" I guess) and this is what happens. Let's see what we cook up when we finally plan our road trip to VEGAS! I'm apologizing to my body in advance right now...

Snack Attack!

I have to laugh at what passes for "healthy" in America nowadays. Not that I'm an educated nutritionist by any stretch of the imagination, but I just have to take a step back and look what average Americans are consuming on a daily basis. The other day I was at work and, to slake my sweet-tooth I was nursing that afternoon, I tore open a FiberOne bar. Ok, so clearly General Mills is trying to market this thing as a healthy snack. As advertised on the box, it contains "35% of your daily value of fiber! 9 grams of fiber per serving!". First of all, yes, we get it, this thing's got fiber. But, just for fun (because I'm all about fun), let's acknowledge the fact that this thing is DROWNING IN CHOCOLATE! And I'm sorry, but I get that granola is healthy in theory, but I don't think that a handful of oats that have been roasted in a bucket of oil and bound together by dried, evaporated cane juice is exactly the most natural/nutritious snack. It also doesn't help that something about the size/ingredients in those things make you want to eat like 17 in one sitting. Anyway, I think I had two of those bad boys and was sugared out the rest of that afternoon, big surprise.

So after that I just started paying closer attention to other "healthy" snacks. The people I work for are are very "west side healthy", which I'm pretty sure is a concept I just made up. They love the notion of health food from their shaded, upper-class west side bubble. They bought these snacks for the office the other day that cracked me up. Basically it was a bag of these little nut clusters that were stuck together by this sugary, mollassesy substance. I had them and they were certainly TASTY, but holy smokes I checked the label and those things are LOUSY with sugar. However I love the packaging: The bag had some groovy swirly colorful logo with all these lame buzz words: "Organic (ok, fine)! Gluten Free! Wheat Free!". Ummm I mean yeah no kidding, it's a hunk of walnuts deluged in sugar, last I checked that was generally a wheat/gluten free snack. You could also melt some brie over a pound of salami and dip it in butter and that would also be wheat/gluten free but that doesn't mean it's good for you. But you know, why be healthy when you can be trendy!

And even outside the arena of "faux health food", it's just alarming to look at mass produced snack foods in general! Dovetailing with my previous post about living on a budget, I have DEFINITELY had to compromise my eating habits to live within my means the past 30 days (by the way you guys, you should have seen my face when I checked my account to see that my paycheck had finally cleared: think the photo of Ted Bundy in the courtroom after his sentence was declared. But like, happy).

But yes, having to eat 3 bags of Goldfish crackers before you leave work to "fill up" for the ride home is pretty dark. PS on the subject of Goldfish, I love the "made with real cheese" tag on the bag: as if someone is in the market saying to themselves "Oh I don't know, I don't want to fill up on crackers...oh it's made with real cheese! I'll buy 5!" It does seem a bit counter-intuitive though to think that eating well would be an especially expensive feat. But I think the key to eating well is eating simply. Have an orange, a handful of almonds, some grains or rice, drink some juice etc. I don't think you have to spend $19 on vegan nachos in Venice or Silverlake to take care of yourself. Just as long as I look at the ingredients on something and it isn't pages long I think it's ok. And I'm always skeptical about things with "natural flavors"...what the hell does that actually mean?

Anyway, my month of poverty is now done so i can go back to my usual little routine. But you live and you learn, eh guys?

It's From Hunger

The Hunger Games Trailer 3 - The Hipster Games - watch more funny videos

Hey folks! So I have a fresh one for you today: a new video from Chris G's team. Co-written by yours truly. It's this totally obscure parody of the Hunger Games entitled "The Hipster Games" (pretty self-explanatory). Check it out and let me know what you think!